That was just a brief introduction but suffice it to say these boys keep me BUSY. I love being a mom but I have to admit that there are times when I don't really think I was meant to do this. I know, I know, that sounds like every other mom out there but I mean I seriously question myself and whether or not I can give my children what they need. Yikes, so I'm not going to give them up for adoption but I might just consider myself done-zo. Like, no more. I'm seriously considering throwing in the towel. It's not that I'm defeated. I think a lot about having more children and about those women who can handle (or so it seems to me because they keep doing it) having their kids so close together. (Mine are two and a half years apart and I sometimes wonder why I did that to myself. ) My husband and I were sort of thrown into parenthood (read: unexpected pregnancy) and I often wonder if any amount of planning and preparation would have actually changed our "by-the-seat-of-our-pants" method. Other events in our life have forced us to change our strategies and mold ourselves to the situation. But through it all I couldn't help thinking that I wasn't made of the right motherhood material. I still feel that way.
I used to consider myself the kind of woman who "found her calling" in motherhood. That lasted, like, a week. As I went through college I became aware of a part of me that had remained untapped. I understood the conflicting roles in my life - wife, mother, daughter, sister, student, self - and that there is no way to juggle them all at once (even though it seems like that's what we're always being told). Though we are supposedly amazing multi-taskers, I think the best way for women to be completely satisfied in their varying roles is to slow down and focus on one at a time. Don't try to be a mom and a wife at the same time (for me, the mom always wins). Live in the moment and stop thinking in the future. This isn't easy (my husband will roll his eyes when he reads this) but I think the common misconception of women being able to "multitask" is really just a nice way of saying we are constantly thinking about everything at once and subsequently trying to do everything at once. So I've decided to take my own advice and break my day up into different sections devoted to the different roles in my life; like right now, this section of my day is for my Self, a part of me that usually gets forgotten about when I put on my "mom" pants. The biggest thing I've come to realize in the past few months is the idea that I need (need) my own thing. And by using that amoeba of a word I mean hobby, past-time, me-time, alone time, whatever you want to call it. But in order for my happiness (and therefore the happiness of my household) to survive I need an identifier that coincides with who I am as an individual (i.e. Mom=kids, wife=husband, self=ME). I'm still working out the kinks but it seems to me that when I create something I feel better about myself - lately stamp carving, wood painting, canvas sewing and notebook stitching has become my favorite form of self-expression.
So, today's rant is really just a public form of me admitting that I will probably never be the perfect mom (although I've got both boys napping at the same time right now so that's pretty close right?), that I'll probably never be the organized mom and I'll probably always be the mom on the verge of a nervous breakdown BUT I can still be happy in my tangled roles by understanding my Self first. I don't mean be selfish, I don't mean think of your Self first. But doing something for yourself on a regular basis will help you understand your capabilities (and your limits). Knowing who I am and what I need can help me sort out the needs of those around me. And I think that's a decent start on the road to
