a memoir: family food photos life

Your Nav Bar Here

Friday, October 5, 2012

A few thoughts on motherhood

These are my boys. Thing One and Thing Two. Not really. (But sometimes).  My oldest is three and a half and my "baby" is 14 months. I wouldn't trade these two snuggets for anything.  Thing One is all boy - he has a relentless obsession with cars and trucks and trains and construction vehicles.  His intelligence astounds me; his vocabulary and his ability to reason are (annoyingly at times) advanced for his age (Today he told me "I don't want to watch anthromorphic (anthropomorphic) cars and trucks, I wanna watch real ones").  He is exactly like his father in every way. Thing Two is a darling, chubby ham.  He's a snuggle bear that will just eat your heart out (and pull your hair). That grin you see up there? That's called "squashy face" and he does it on command.  He is a busy little bean and has quite the attitude which he enforces to get what he wants.

That was just a brief introduction but suffice it to say these boys keep me BUSY.  I love being a mom but I have to admit that there are times when I don't really think I was meant to do this.  I know, I know, that sounds like every other mom out there but I mean I seriously question myself and whether or not I can give my children what they need.  Yikes, so I'm not going to give them up for adoption but I might just consider myself done-zo.  Like, no more.  I'm seriously considering throwing in the towel.  It's not that I'm defeated.  I think a lot about having more children and about those women who can handle (or so it seems to me because they keep doing it) having their kids so close together.  (Mine are two and a half years apart and I sometimes wonder why I did that to myself. ) My husband and I were sort of thrown into parenthood (read: unexpected pregnancy) and I often wonder if any amount of planning and preparation would have actually changed our "by-the-seat-of-our-pants" method.  Other events in our life have forced us to change our strategies and mold ourselves to the situation. But through it all I couldn't help thinking that I wasn't made of the right motherhood material.  I still feel that way.

I used to consider myself the kind of woman who "found her calling" in motherhood. That lasted, like, a week.  As I went through college I became aware of a part of me that had remained untapped.  I understood the conflicting roles in my life - wife, mother, daughter, sister, student, self - and that there is no way to juggle them all at once (even though it seems like that's what we're always being told).  Though we are supposedly amazing multi-taskers, I think the best way for women to be completely satisfied in their varying roles is to slow down and focus on one at a time.  Don't try to be a mom and a wife at the same time (for me, the mom always wins).  Live in the moment and stop thinking in the future.  This isn't easy (my husband will roll his eyes when he reads this) but I think the common misconception of women being able to "multitask" is really just a nice way of saying we are constantly thinking about everything at once and subsequently trying to do everything at once.  So I've decided to take my own advice and break my day up into different sections devoted to the different roles in my life; like right now, this section of my day is for my Self, a part of me that usually gets forgotten about when I put on my "mom" pants.  The biggest thing I've come to realize in the past few months is the idea that I need (need) my own thing.  And by using that amoeba of a word I mean hobby, past-time, me-time, alone time, whatever you want to call it.  But in order for my happiness (and therefore the happiness of my household) to survive I need an identifier that coincides with who I am as an individual (i.e. Mom=kids, wife=husband, self=ME). I'm still working out the kinks but it seems to me that when I create something I feel better about myself - lately stamp carving, wood painting, canvas sewing and notebook stitching has become my favorite form of self-expression.

So, today's rant is really just a public form of me admitting that I will probably never be the perfect mom (although I've got both boys napping at the same time right now so that's pretty close right?), that I'll probably never be the organized mom and I'll probably always be the mom on the verge of a nervous breakdown BUT I can still be happy in my tangled roles by understanding my Self first. I don't mean be selfish, I don't mean think of your Self first.  But doing something for yourself on a regular basis will help you understand your capabilities (and your limits). Knowing who I am and what I need can help me sort out the needs of those around me. And I think that's a decent start on the road to perfection success! 




9 comments:

  1. OMG HOLLA! I totally hear you sister. It's CRAZY how people say women can multitask, but really we just HAVE to multitask or else life will be chaos. And it probably still is. Sometimes I feel the same way, especially about tapping into a part of myself that I didn't know in college. And I also know what you mean about NEEDING to focus on one thing at a time. That's why I quit my internship this fall, because I needed to be where my feet are. I can't devote too much time to too many things, because to me, spreading myself too thin is WAY worse than "missing opportunities." I think you're a GREAT mom, and I know how crazy it can be sometimes, but KEEP YOUR HEAD UP because we all have those days. Weeks. Months. Lives? But we do what we do, and we keep going because we love those babies. And if you want to stop at two, that's ok. In the normal world, that's a pretty normal number :) I've been thinking about that myself, actually! Haha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ashleigh you are awesome (thanks for taking the time to comment!) and what you said about spreading yourself too thin being worse than missed opportunities is a seriously golden piece of advice! I'm going to put that on Pinterest ;)

      Delete
  2. haha did you read my last blog post? its quite similar :) And I totally feel you. Photography is my outlet right now but it switches every now and then. I feel like if I dont have something for me, "me" will just shrivel up and dissipate into outer space. and exist no longer. haha. Here's to keeping ourselves and our sanity in tact!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Cass! I totally agree! And I love your photography by the way! Also, in a strictly platonic mom way, I have this fantasy that when I move back to the Mainland we go on much needed girl-retreats to a spa in Arizona (or fly to Paris and visit the Louvre) at least twice a year. Let me know what you think ;)

      Delete
  3. Yes, yes, yes! I am on the same page with ya! Thank you for putting it this way. Many people, including myself, need to read this to be reminded that we're not alone in having these same thoughts and feelings (and I only have one baby so far, and she was planned, and I still feel overwhelmed many times... so what's my problem? lol hah I need to be taking parenting lessons from you!!). I think we all just have to try our best in being our best SELF so we can be good mommies and wives too. Thanks love!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Elisha! And I'm probably not the best at parenting advice but I'm glad you enjoyed my rant! Also, your little girl is too adorable!

      Delete
  4. like the others who commented above, I too am right there with you. motherhood is crazy...I think there is way too much expected out if women these days...think of our parents generation where everyone had four or more kids and although it was probably equally as hard to raise the kids there was not the pressure of the world that we have, like having an a degree, a career, to look flawless, etc...all while having the responsibility of the munchkins. Don't be so hard on yourself ( its hard not to) but you have accomplished so much while being a GREAT mom. You got your degree, you're living in paradise, many great things to be proud of yourself. Its hard not to compare yourself to others, there will always be people out there that seem like they have it all together, but you never know the challenges they have under the surface.
    Hopefully I've made a bit if sense... at times I feel like I'm missing out on things for me because of the kids, but I have to remind myself that its their time right now and I need to give them the best of me and there will be time for me again one day. Keep your chin up, you're wonderful in all that you do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you!!! Ha, I sometimes forget that I live in "paradise" ;) but really. I agree with what you said about missing out on things for you because you're focused on the kids but we need to give them our best, I sometimes forget and my kids see the mess that mommy really is on occasion. But it's all in perspective, maybe the time we devote to our kids is really time for ourselves to learn and grow as well... hmmm, next blog post?

      Delete
  5. For the record I didn't roll my eyes...

    ReplyDelete